Exquisite Anguish
by Mallorysgirl
Summary: When the love of your life rips your heart out it can send you a little bit off the rails and straight into the path of danger. Set after One son.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: Ok so this is my first X Files Fic and I've been a fan since it started when I was just eleven. So I hope I do it justice.

Disclaimer: Wish I owned it, but alas it belongs to Chris Carter. If I did, I'd have tried to get Gillian Anderson into bed. That woman is a goddess!

Chapter One

Loyalty doesn't account for anything it seems. I've given that man six years of my life. Six years of pure devotion, in which I have lost so much, yet seem to have gained so little. I lost my sister, my beautiful free spirited sister because of his cause. I almost lost my life because of his pursuit for the truth. Duane Barry may have abducted me but if had never met Mulder then I would be living a normal life. Living in suburbia with a husband and small children. That was another thing that had been taken from me. Because of what they had done to me, I was barren! I was unable to bare children, the one thing that all women should have the ability and right to do. The men who had violated me with their endless tests had snatched it away from me.

I kept going even after the things that had happened, shaped my future in a way that was anything but normal. Why? Because I would have followed that man to the end of the world and back. I had done so several times in fact. The love I feel for him is what keeps me going. I have never felt this way before and I doubt I ever will again. I had thought that I'd been in love before. Marcus my high school boyfriend had been the first to break my heart. At the time I thought I'd never recover. I was going to die from the endless pain that had filled my body. Then came Daniel, my sweet Daniel who had made me realise that there was more than one love for everyone. Leaving him, in the hope that he would repair his failing marriage and fractured relationship with his daughter. I could not have breaking up a family on my conscious.

Jack had taught me that love lives on forever, that even after his death I still grieve for the lover and more importantly the friend I lost. And then we come to Ethan! He taught me that if you love someone you don't posses them. That was all I was to him, just a possession, something that he could control, bend to his will you might say. He taught me that this was not love, this was toxic, this was volatile and that there was no way that it could have ever ended pretty.

And it hadn't! It had ended in a series of screaming rows, a whole dinner set being thrown from all ends of the room and an assault charge being made against him. He had tried to stop me working on the X Files, demanded I said no. Decline my assignment and become the good little wife he had wanted. The X Files and more importantly Mulder had been my escape route. That night hadn't been the first time he had hit me, surprisingly it had happened a couple of times. The strong, independent Dana Scully had let a man put his hands on her, something I had been extremely ashamed of. I had never told Mulder about Ethan, I hadn't dared. I knew him well enough to know that even after all these years he would have hunted him down and kicked the crap out of him.

I thought that with each of these men that I had been in some state of love, but none of them compared to Fox Mulder. My Mulder, who would not only protect me, but would also respected me. Respect me as an agent, a doctor, a woman and most importantly as a friend. These were only a few of the reasons why I am so ass backwards in love with him. I'd have done anything for that love to be reciprocated, but it wasn't, he loved someone else. He loved the woman I despised the most in the entire world.

When she came back into his life I knew that it would only be a matter of time before she would drive a wedge between us but I never expected it to be so quickly. It feels like it was almost instant, he started to ditch me more than normal, he ignored my calls frequently. As much as this had hurt and had left me both jealous and seething, it paled into insignificants when he began dismissing the facts that I presented before him. I gave him evidence that implicated that vile woman, that linked her to the very men that we were fighting against. But he dismissed it, he had dismissed me so it would seem.

Then the final betrayal was laid out before me and my heart and my soul shattered into a thousand pieces and I had never felt pain quite like it. It was almost exquisite. Excruciating even! The sight that awaited me when I went over to his apartment will be etched on my brain until the end of time. Every time I chose my eyes I can see them together. Riding around on the bed, kissing, touching, and basking in the pleasure that they were giving each other.

My Mulder was making love to Diana Fowley. Even the thought now has made a small amount of sick fill my throat. I swallow down the bile and I can feel the tears falling fast. I had never been one to openly show emotion. Having a father from a Naval background had taught me discipline and an ability to mask my feelings. But right now in this moment all I could do was cry. I feel like a fool to have ever believed that he could feel anything other than a fondness for me. I was just his sidekick and that's all I'd ever be.

It had taken them a few moments to realise that I had walked through the door. It had taken me a few moments to realise that I was rooted to the spot, dumbstruck at what I was seeing, unable to react, unable to move my feet and run from the scene that I was so desperately wanting to get away from. His calling my name had woken me from my shocked slumber and having revived some of my senses I quickly turned on my heel and ran from the room. Not wanting to look back at nightmare behind me. I heard his voice calling after me and I prayed that I would get to the elevator before he got to me.

I have moved with some speed before, I've outrun men ten years younger, desperate to get away from me. But in this moment I was unable to out run him. He was pursuing me with a greater speed, barefooted and wearing only the jeans he had thrown on. I was heading for the stairs when he grabbed my arm in an attempt to pull me back to him. All the anger, shock and betrayal bubbling up inside of me rose to the surface and as he swung me round to face him my hand connected with his cheek hard.

And when I say hard I mean hard!

My hand stung from it, so god knows how bad his face felt. He dropped me almost instantly and replaced the hand, that been holding me with to his cheek. Shock filled his face as well as the pain. It paralleled mine. My pain may have not been physical like his but is stung as badly as any slap I had given him. We stared at each other intently for what felt like an eternity, both of us trying desperately to read the others thoughts. I was failing miserably, but he knew. He knew exactly what I was thinking because Dana Scully's façade had slipped. The Ice Queen had melted. Frosty knickers had thawed! My heart was on the table for him to see and it dawned upon him ever so slowly that I wanted to be Diana. That I wanted so badly for him to love me the way he loved her, the way I had caught him loving her.

Tears forming I tare my eyes from his turning slowly I walked away. The determination was written all over my face.

If Mulder couldn't love me then I'd have to find someone else that would.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

I felt her heart shatter into a million pieces, and the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I hadn't known how she felt about me, how could I? She had never let her guard down, not even with me her so called best friend. What type of friend breaks the heart of the person closest to them? The pain she had caused by hitting me paled into insignificance compared to the pain I had caused her.

The pain I saw in her eyes had ripped me in two. And for so long she had been at the for front of my mind. My constant thought! My one in five billion! From the first moment I had met her I had caused her so much pain. It had snowballed over the years, she had been taken by men who used her like a lab rat. That was my fault. She had lost her sister because of me, they were after Scully and mistakenly shot Melissa. The guilt I feel over that has never gone away, I don't think it ever will. She had gotten cancer because of me! A side effect from what those bastards had done to her.

I could never give her the family she so rightly deserved, our work had put a stop to that in the beginning . Last year we discovered that she would never be able to bare children and my heart broke for her and the life she would never have. If she had never met me, then she would never have had to experience the pain I had caused. I knew when I looked into her eyes in the hall way not half an hour ago that I had again just added to it.

Diana had left soon after Scully, she was horrified when I literally kicked her out the door in nothing more than her underwear. I'm such a bastard! I don't know which one hates me most at the moment.

Things have been so strained between Scully and myself recently. I missed my best friend so much, I missed how she challenged me, how she would roll her eyes at me and poke holes in my theories. I missed that; I missed our easy banter that would so often on my part turn into some cheeky innuendo. I needed her back, I needed her to understand that I had never done any of these things to hurt her.

Things couldn't go back to the way they were, too much had happened and so much had silently been said. I had always wondered what it would be like to let my feelings for her be known. Sometimes I didn't want us to be Mulder and Scully. I wanted us to be Fox and Dana, two people who wanted to be in each others company and not just thrown together like we were in the beginning. I remember the first morning she had walked into my office. She greeted me with such a smile that my heart melted straight away. Of course I had noticed her beauty. She wasn't what I would called my normal type but she captivated me in an instant. She didn't just have the beauty but she had the brains to give me a run for my money. And that's what I loved about her.

I loved her! As much as she apparently loved me. I remember feeling such an attraction to her that I was compelled to find out if she was single. Turns out that at first she wasn't. She was seeing a man called Ethan, worked in television and from all accounts was a bit of a jackass. Whispers around the bureau told me that it hadn't lasted long after she had joined the X files. It shouldn't have delighted me but I'm ashamed to say it did. She was my Scully, my Dana and I didn't want to share her with anyone.

I've felt like that throughout our relationship, she was mine to protect, she was mine to cherish and woe be tide anyone who tried to take her from me. And they had tried. Many a man from work had made a play for her and she had always declined. Ed Jerse had tried and failed to take her from me. I remember reading the Police report while visiting Scully in hospital. He had tried to kill her, he had planned to dispose of her by burning her. He had put his hands on her, in more ways than one. She had stayed the night with him, she had been in his bed and the thought of that had sickened me. We had never talked about it after I had picked her up from the hospital. I had broached the subject that Monday morning in the office, but she had shut down on me as usual and we never spoke of it again.

Her weekend with that man is at the for front of my mind again and I can feel the jealousy rising in me. He was with my Scully! I know I've mentioned she's mine about a hundred times, but she was mine, she belongs to me.

I chuckle to myself shaking my head. I'm pretty sure I've just described how Scully's been feeling over the past couple of months.

I'm such an idiot!

No wonder she's been pulling away from me, she's protecting herself. Looking back I realise I've been ditching her more than normal. Taking Diana along for the ride instead of her, dismissing the apparent evidence she's been handing me. Dismissing her and her feelings, not telling her the true extent of mine and Diana's relationship. 'Oh Dana' I sigh 'How could I have been so blind?'

No wonder she slapped me.

It had stung like a bitch to put it mildly.

I hadn't meant to hurt her, she was an unfortunate casualty in an attempt to get back something I'd lost. Seeing Diana again had stirred up so many different emotions that it was hard to pinpoint which was the strongest. Things had been both easy and hard with Diana at the same time. Her beliefs closely matched mine and in some ways it was nice not to have to constantly defend my theories. On the other hand Diana had broken my heart, she had abandoned me, leaving the aftermath of a hurricane in her wake. She had been with me since I discovered the X files, she was currently both my past and my present. But I have come to realise that Scully is both my present and my future.

And if I don't go after her, the future I so desperately crave will be lost forever.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The brightness of the light shinning through my window stung my eyes, adding to the throbbing feeling rising through my head. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and the bile rising up into my throat wasn't helping the situation.

The sight that awaited me when I turned over in bed made me jump out of it and run to the bathroom. So here I am Kneeling on the floor over the toilet throwing up last nights alcohol. What had I done? My whole body was wrenching, from not only the contents of my stomach, but also the dirty, scummy feeling rising through my body.

Shaking I slowly stood up, grabbing the wall for support. Making my way back into my bedroom I looked at the sight before me. There was a man asleep in my bed. An actual man! A naked man! I hadn't had a man in my bed for a long time. Except for the rare occasion when something awful happened and I seaked comfort from Mulder! Mulder! Oh God, what on earth would he think?

The man in my bed began to stir and all of a sudden I was feeling embarrassed. I felt like I was seventeen again, waking up for the first time with the boy who took my virginity. Realising I was just as naked as him I grabbed for a long t-shirt and pulled it over my head as quickly as I could.

He smiled at me as he registered my presence "Good morning Dana,"

Oh crap! What was his name again? Why couldn't I remember? I couldn't remember most of last night if I'm honest. Mulder! I remember walking in on him and Diana doing, as he would put it the naked pretzel. I remember feeling my heart shatter and the need to escape. I remember slapping him hard before running out into the night and finding the closest bar to drown my sorrows in. And that is what has led me to my current predicament. Leaning against my bedroom wall feeling like a slapper trying desperately to remember the name of the guy I brought home last night.

"Hi," I finally spoke realizing that he was staring at me.

Silence fell between us as awkwardness hung in the air. "So," he began "Last night,"

"I…"

Tilting his head to one side he gave me a sad smile "One off right?" It was more of a statement than a question. I felt awful, he seemed really nice but right now the last thing I needed was a man in my life. I was still pining over the last one.

"I'm really sorry," I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes "I'm such a fuck up," I began.

He got up and rounded the bed towards me. Taking my hands in his he smiled again "Your not a fuck up Dana," he sighed, "I'm no expert but something tells me that last night you probably really needed a friend rather than a shag,"

I nodded sadly.

"Man troubles?" he asked

Again I nodded; the tears began to fall freely now "I…. I found him in bed with another woman…. just before I…I came to the bar,"

All of a sudden I was sobbing uncontrollably. God how pathetic was I; this perfect stranger was comforting me. By now he'd pulled me into his arms, his strong arms may I add and he was stroking my hair and kissing my head. This has got to be the strangest one night stand I'd ever had.

I've done awkward before, I'd done regret, and I'd even done over enthusiastic, in my time. But until this morning when it came to one-night stands I had never done sobbing into their chests uncontrollably.

"Hey," he whispered pulling away from me slightly forcing me to look up at him. He was a beautiful man, probably the most beautiful man I'd ever pulled. His eyes were sapphire blue, his hair the colour of straw and a body that any woman in their right mind would want to worship. But I wasn't in my right mind and all I wanted was Mulder.

"Your are a beautiful woman," he told me "Smart, funny, god damn sexy," he flashed me a cheeky smile "And an incredible shag,"

I looked at him, making a face of disbelief

"I'm serious," he chuckled "The things you did last night," he paused briefly grinning at me "Wow! You're a knock out in bed! So remember that, when a bloke comes along who's lucky enough to keep hold of you,"

Wiping away my tears I smiled up at him "Thank you for being so nice about it,"

"Anytime," he grinned "And if this dickhead is stupid enough to let a beautiful woman like you go then he ain't worth worrying about,"

I nodded feeling slightly better about the situation. "Do you want some breakfast?"

Pulling on his jeans and grabbing his shirt he shook his head "Nah, I'm good," he headed towards the door and I followed "Look Dana," he turned back towards me "If you ever fancy getting together again, even if it's just for a drink," he held his hands up mockingly "I swear I won't try anything, but I think you're a great girl and…anyways I'm at the bar most weekends,"

I grinned at him "I'll bear that in mind,"

He was pulling on his shirt as I Opened the door for him. I felt my breath hitch and a dreaded feeling fill my body. He noticed it to and caught what I was staring at. Or rather who! Pulling me to him he kissed me long and hard and I felt my stomach flutter. I knew why he was doing it. He had twigged why I looked so distressed and had decided to get me through it, to make me remember that Dana Scully was a smart, sassy, sexy, confident woman and not to forget it. I lost contact with his lips as quickly as he had placed them upon me.

"Laters baby," he grinned winking at me. I watched him head down the hallway and stop as he got to the reason why he had kissed me. Knowing full well I could hear him he spoke "So," he began "You're the dickhead!" And with that he walked off leaving Mulder staring at me in disbelief.

* * *

He got to the door quicker than I could close it, wedging his foot between it and the frame. "Leave me alone Mulder," I spat trying desperately to push him away and put back the barrier that needed to be between us.

As much as I pushed against him, as always he was stronger and he pushed right back. I felt the door give way on me even as I pushed with all of my might, but it had been futile because he had gotten through it. Stumbling backwards I felt the full force of his anger as he stalked towards me. Grabbing my arm he pulled me towards him.

"What hell are you playing at?" he practically yelled at me.

I could feel his eyes boaring into me. The fire behind them made me shiver and for the first time I was scared of him. I couldn't answer him. What the hell was I playing at?

Looking me up and down in disgust I knew that the t-shirt I was wearing barely covered my bum and that as he pulled on my arm the hem had risen, showing that I wasn't wearing any knickers.

Yes he had seen me naked before. He had carried me from the underground laboratory in Antarctica. But this was different, that had been a necessary, he had rescued me when I was at my most vulnerable. But now he was just witnessing the aftermath of my night of passion. I felt sick!

My silence only broke as he pulled me towards the bathroom. "What are you doing?" I yelled "Mulder stop!"

Pushing me towards the mirror he grabbed my head and made me look directly into it. "Have you seen yourself?" he questioned. I could hear the frustration in his word.

Tears began to fall down my face as he made me stare at my reflection. My face looked terrible. I looked washed out and all the colour had drained from me. You could tell that today would be the mother of all hangovers. My eyes were red and blotchy, a deeper blue than normal. But that always happened when I cried. Make up had smudged slightly under my eyes, not enough to look terrible but still not the most attractive look. My hair looked like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards and the shirt I was wearing had ridden up again, making the world my gynecologist.

"You look a mess Scully," he stated "You let some random stranger…" I watched him struggle to control his anger. "Do you think that right now anyone would want you?"

I could feel the sobs coming fast and thick and I hoped he would stop torturing me like this "You look like some cheap little slut standing here hung-over, unkempt and with your…. Your bits hanging out for me and the world to see,"

He let go of my arm and headed back towards the door. Looking back at him dejected I saw the disappointment in his eyes "Right now you disgust me,"

Watching him go I sank down the wall. He was right, I was nothing, I was dirty and he should be disgusted with me, I was disgusted with me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

I'm a bastard!

Plain and simple!

I have no excuses for my behaviour.

I was vile to her.

I may have watched her heart brake last night but after the things I had said to her this morning I felt her soul shatter and I feel so guilty. I hadn't meant to be so brutal, but I was so angry. I had found her half naked and alone with a total stranger. Didn't she have any clue how much danger she had put herself in?

It was so obvious that they had had sex. He was putting on his shirt as he left the apartment and the way he had kissed her proved that they had been intimate. The man could have been a nutter, rapist or serial killer for all she knew. She could have ended up dead! Then I would have lost her for good.

Then again I think may have done that already. My outburst had been pretty bad; I winced at the thought of the things I had said to her. She didn't deserve it. I was just so angry. My beautiful Scully was cheapening herself with some random guy and the worst thing is that it's my fault. I had pushed her to it; she had found me in bed with Diana and had seeked comfort from somebody she didn't even know in an attempt to make herself feel better.

I couldn't get the image of her and this guy out of my mind. I could picture his lips upon her, his hands touching her intimately, his body filling her with pleasure, making her scream like I should have being all these years. I know I need to make it right but I just don't know how. We've been through so much together already that I think this may have just pushed us over the edge.

The phone ringing pulled me from my thoughts and I hoped that it was Scully calling, but I doubt it. I was proved right and I sighed when I heard whose voice was on the other end.

"Fox,"

"Hello Diana," Right now she was the last person I wanted to speak to. It's funny how quickly things can change. Up until yesterday afternoon spending time with Diana was something that I really looked forward to, but now, now I want to be as far away from her as possible.

My mind must have wandered because I was startled by how her voice had raised considerably in annoyance "Fox!" she snapped, "Are you listening to me?"

"What! Erm yeah course!"

"Then you agree we need to talk?"

I sighed; this was so not going to be fun "Yeah sure,"

"Good," I could almost hear her smiling on the other end of the phone "I'll be right over,"

"WHAT! WAIT!" frustrated I slammed the phone down "Damn it!"

She was on her way over. This was going to be so much fun! I'd rather be anyone but me right now.

Settling back down on the sofa I reached for the file that had been laid down on the table. I had briefly read it; Violent Crimes had sent it down for me, asking for help in profiling the perpetrator or a series of sacrificial killings. Each previous victim had been female living in the local area. The women were all from various different backgrounds, race, age and social class didn't seem to matter to the killer, but his MO was clear. He would tie these women up, before subjecting them to days of torture including depriving them of food and water before raping and murdering them.

Violent crimes had seen what they believed were sacrificial markings on the bodies and naturally thought that it would be up yours truly's street. I am pretty sure that this killer is male because whoever was committing these crimes needed to be someone with great strength. These women weren't being drugged so someone smaller or of similar build would struggle to subdue them. The killer was also transporting the victims back to their own beds and leaving them there for friends or family to find. This was something that confused me greatly. Why take them home? Why not just dump them and get away as quickly as possible? Without fear of getting seen! This person had to have previous knowledge of their homes that was quite clear.

We knew that the girls had been outside because they had foreign bodies on them such as dirt under the fingernails and gravel and dust on the souls of their feet. The homes had been locked when they had all been discovered, no sign of forced entry making me think that maybe the killer had previously been invited into their home where he could have possibly been able to swipe a set of keys, thus making him known to his victim.

I was planning on sharing my findings with Scully, I was pretty sure that this was anything other than an X File. Something that she could prove was more scientific than supernatural. Then I could hand it back to Violent Crimes, and for us case closed. I had to admit though I was quite curious on what significance the markings had. Maybe I should keep an eye on the case from a far. Investigate further; maybe there was a link to the occult.

I heard the knock door and sighed. That was Diana. I hadn't seen her since I had kicked her out of the apartment half naked. I'm pretty sure that I'm about to get my ass handed to me on a plate. Slowly without enthusiasm I move to the door and open it. I could tell she was still pissed with me, it was written all over her face.

"You going to invite me in Fox?" Her voice was sharp and curt.

"Erm…Yeah sure," I step aside and she strides in like she's on a runway. I had never noticed how she walked before. It was with such an air of confidence. She knew whom she was and how to get anything she wanted. Including me!

"So," she started "Do you want to explain to me what the hell yesterday was about?"

I looked at her unable to formulate an answer.

"Fox," she moved closer to me placing her hands on my chest. I should have felt some sort of excitement at her touch but there was nothing.

"I thought we had something special," she smiled shyly at me, her eyes shining brightly "We have a connection," I could feel her lips caressing my neck. I close my eyes and enjoy the soft feel of her lips. And in that moment while all the blood in my body shot south, behind my eyes all I saw was Scully. Scully was kissing my neck; Scully was slowly undoing the button of my jeans. My eyes flew open and I pulled away from Diana roughly.

I could see the hurt in her eyes and instantly I felt guilty. What was it with me? Right now I seem to have a knack of hurting the women closest to me.

"It's Scully isn't it?" Diana spat her voice full of venom.

"Diana.." I began cautiously.

"What does she have that I don't," she cried "She isn't even pretty. She's short…. She's average sized…she's…"

"The most incredible person in the entire world," I finish. I can feel the smile forming quickly of my lips as I think of her "She's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful," I was starring off into space thinking of how beautiful she was "When she's nervous she bites her lower lip and it's sexy as hell,"

"She doubts you," Diana interrupted angrily

"No she challenges me," I spit back "She doesn't follow me blindly, she has her own opinions. I trust her with my life and she's saved me a thousand times over in more ways than you could imagine,"

How could I have been so stupid? Diana had been trying to drive a wedge between Scully and I for months and I'd just been too much of an idiot to see it.

"We have a future," she smiled softly placing her hand on my cheek.

"No Diana," I took her hand away and looked at her sadly " We had a future. And then you left. You broke my heart and for the longest time I thought it would never heal. She healed it; she believed in me, she stayed with me, throughout everything. I need her, I can't breath without her,"

"But I love you Fox," she sounded so dejected

"And I love her," I finished. It was the simplest statement but it meant so much to the both of us "I'm sorry Diana,"

She nodded sadly and for the first time I noticed the tears falling from her eyes. She lent up and kissed me softly on the cheek "Goodbye Fox,"

And with that she walked out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

I knew this conversation wasn't going to be easy. I sat opposite A.D Skinner trying to formulate the words.

"Agent Scully," he woke me from my thoughts, concern etched upon his face "Is something the matter?"

It was a simple enough question.

And I had a simple enough answer.

Yes something was most defiantly the matter. But how do I tell him without looking like some lovesick teenager who had had their heart broken. And the mean boy made me cry. Pathetic aren't I

"Sir," I began "I…would…would," Why the hell was I shaking? Get it together Dana! What the hell is wrong with you?

"Agent Scully?"

"Would like a transfer from the X Files sir," There I said it! No turning back now.

Skinner looked surprised. "Can I ask why?" Eyeing me suspiciously I knew he was waiting for an answer.

"I would rather not say sir," his face was a picture. Six months ago the thought of leaving Mulder was unthinkable but now it's the only thing I can think about. "I feel that too much has gone on recently for Agent Mulder and myself to carry on working together," It wasn't a lie, too much had happened for me just to stroll into the office and pretend that the past forty-eight hours hadn't happened.

"Agent Scully," his voice reminded me of my father when he was about to tell me off "Please tell me that you and Agent Mulder have not crossed the line and taken your relationship further than the Bureau would like,"

"No sir," I answered. I wasn't surprised at what he was implying. There's apart of me that thinks' Skinner was always rooting for the two of us, even if Mulder hadn't been.

"Then why Agent Scully?" he asked "Because I can't think why you would want to leave Agent Mulder,"

"I can't work with him any longer," I say sadly. I paused and looked up at his surprised face "He doesn't trust me anymore and if I'm honest I don't really trust him,"

He stayed silent, urging me on "Since Agent Fowley.." He could see how using that name grated on me "… came back to DC, Agent Mulder has shut me out of any investigation that has taken her fancy," He could see the unimpressed look on my face and if I wasn't so sure that the Director was extremely professional I'd say he was almost sniggering at me.

Ignoring his apparent amusement I carried on "We both…feel that it's time to move on. How can we work together and have each others backs if we don't trust the other," I look up at him glumly "Please sir, I really need this transfer,"

Sighing at me he nodded "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes sir,"

"Ok, you can report to Agent Mahoney in Vice for the time being," I smiled brightly at him "This is temporary Scully. I might move you again…or even put you back with Mulder. From the sound of things maybe a little time apart would do the two of you good,"

"Thank you sir," I swallowed hard "Sir,"

He looked up at me.

"I'm sorry to ask but would it be possible if I could take some leave before my new assignment,"

I could see him starring at me in disbelief, thinking you cheeky cow. I've given you the transfer you asked for and now your asking for leave. It was written all of his face.

"I just think that a week or two away would help me sort things out. Have a clear head for when I start my new assignment," I cringed as I said it. I know it didn't sound very convincing but a week or so off would defiantly help sort my head out.

"Fine," he sighed "Two weeks Agent Scully. Take the time and think very carefully if you want this transfer. If so then it'll still be yours when you get back. If not I'll happily let you stay with Mulder. You too work well together,"

Standing I smiled slightly "Thank you sir. I'll consider it,"

Leaving his office I headed down to the basement to grab my things hoping that I wouldn't run into Mulder. A repeat performance of yesterday morning was the last thing I really wanted. The things he said really hurt me. I already felt cheap and dirty after my one night stand, but having the person whose opinion you've valued most in the world basically call you a dirty slut didn't make things any easier.

I could feel my stomach churn as I rode the lift down to the bottom floor and I cautiously stepped out. I made my way down the corridor bracing myself for the verbal onslaught that would more than likely again await me. I stepped inside the office dreading him being there. Sighing with relief I quickly noticed I was alone. Grabbing a stray box that was sitting next to the copier I quickly began to pile things into it with haste.

Looking into the box I noticed that I hadn't actually acquired much in the way of possession over the past six years working in this basement office. How sad is that? After all these years I had nothing to sum up my time with Mulder. Says it all really! Opening the bottom draw of the desk I pulled out a stack of papers, noticing the small shiny object underneath them.

Picking it up for closer inspection I smiled at the memory of Mulder giving it to me. It was a small keychain, donned with an Eagle landing on the moon with Earth in the distance. Looking on the back I read the inscription aloud to myself "Commemorating Apollo 11 and the mission to the moon July 1969"

"I'm surprised that you still have that," I froze at the sound of his voice; I just wanted to disappear from the spot I stood. Trying to keep my composure calm, while all the time I was dying inside, was a battle I feared I'd lose. Suck it up G Woman! I told myself and I turned to meet his gaze. I prayed that this time my eyes wouldn't betray me like they had that night in his apartment.

He looked at me nervously, that I could tell. He deserved to feel nervous. He had made me feel like shit the past couple of days. Hell! Make that the last couple of months.

"What do you want Mulder?" I asked coldly

"I…Err," he began. He was rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably, like he wanted to say something but really didn't know where to start. Normally I find it rather amusing to watch Mulder on edge, it's almost endearing. But right now it was just plain annoying.

I stood with my hands folded across my chest and I knew that right now I looked like a very disgruntled mother or a really pissed off wife waiting for an explanation. Again he just stood there struggling to find the words.

"You know what Mulder," I sighed, "I really don't care," Something inside me had snapped. I didn't scream, I didn't shout, I just spoke very calmly. So calmly that if I'm honest I actually frightened myself. "I used to care what you thought, I used to value your good opinion, strive for it even. But now…. now it really doesn't matter,"

"Scully…"

"I'm not finished!" I interrupted. My voice stayed dangerously calm "If you think I'm a slut, then that's your problem,"

"I don't," he protested

"Yes you do," I answered, now my voice began to rise and it took all my strength to calm it down "I disgust you remember," I looked at him sharply and he looked down at his feet like a scolded child. I'm sure I even saw shame in his eyes.

"Maybe I do disgust you," I carried on quickly knowing that if I stopped now I wouldn't pluck up the courage to ever say this again "I disgust myself," He met my eyes sadly and I could see pain flash behind them.

"I'm human Mulder, I make mistakes," I sighed "I'm also a woman, with not only needs but feelings too. And sometimes I need comfort and affection like every other woman,"

"And you needed it from him," he asked

"Well I wasn't getting it from anyone else was I," I spat giving him a pointed look. He looked back down at his feet and I knew that he was feeling even more uncomfortable than before. If I'm honest I was passed embarrassed. What's the worst that could happen? He knew how I felt now; he'd already stomped on my heart so I didn't need to worry about it getting broken. And after today we weren't going to be working together again, so if I'm honest I really didn't care anymore.

I picked up the small box of my things and tried to walk past him, but he stopped me. "What's this?" he asked finally noticing that I had been clearing my desk when he can come in.

"I'm taking a couple of weeks leave and then my request for a transfer has been granted, so I will be working up in vice from now on,"

"Your kidding me," I could tell he was hurt, it was quite clear that he felt betrayed it was evident in his voice, it was thick with an air of defeat.

"What," I began "You actually thought we could carry on working together after what's happened in the last couple of days,"

"I.." he began shifting uncomfortable.

"How are we supposed to work together if we don't trust each other anymore," I knew I sounded hurt and I am.

"I do trust you," his voice was almost pleading and his arms reached out for me. I pulled away from him harshly and that hurt was back in his eyes.

"No you don't," I whispered through watery eyes with tears threatening to fall. I thought back to a time when I was the only person he trusted and the same for me. I had trusted him with my life, now I didn't trust him to be in the same room as me. The tears began to fall thick and fast and I hated my damn emotions. "You have done everything you possibly could to push me away over the last couple of months Mulder. You've ditched me time and time again, leaving me to twiddle my thumbs waiting for you to come home from whatever situation you got yourself into, without a second thought for me,"

"Scully,"

"No," I held my hand up and I spoke barely above a whisper but I knew it was enough to silence him "Please let me finish," I begged "If I don't say this I never will. I have given you so much evidence that Agent Fowley isn't all she seems and yet you trust her blindly. But not me, you don't trust me. The one person that has stood by you through everything. I never abandoned you like she did,"

Mulder's head snapped up at my last comment "The Gunmen told you,"

I nodded "I'm sorry she hurt you back then, I truly am but that doesn't change the fact that because you've been an idiot, I've lost my best friend," I was visibly crying now. Mulder took the box from me, placing it on the desk he pulled me into his arms. It felt so safe there, so warm. I could smell my favourite aftershave, the aftershave he always wore as I nuzzled into his neck and I felt like I was home. For a brief moment I felt like he was mine again. But he wasn't mine, he was hers so I pulled out of his embrace.

I missed the warmth of his body as soon as I left his arms. The cold that resonated around me from the loss of contact headed straight to my heart and the Ice Queen was back. I wouldn't let him rule my emotions for another second. My stony façade reappeared and I decided to challenge him on his behaviour the day before in my apartment.

"Your behaviour in my apartment yesterday was unacceptable!" I wasn't about to let him get a word in, so I continued quickly "The things you said were unforgivable…"

"I know…I,"

My voice was calm, cold and had a touch of sadness in the words I spoke "My leaving is the best thing Mulder. We can't work together anymore. I don't think we can ever come back from this,"

Grabbing the box on the desk I strode past him struggling keep my composure. It was only after I closed the door behind me that I allowed myself to cry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

She's gone!

She's finally come to her senses and walked out on me. I thought I knew pain, I thought I was an expert on the subject, but until now I was merely an amateur.

I thought losing Sam was the worst thing I had ever endured, but right now having watched her walk out of my life without a second glance I realise that I'm dying. I will die without her! She is my world!

For I am Empedocles and she is the elements. She is my air; I cannot breath without her. She is my earth; she is my centre, my touchstone and my stability. The very foundation of everything I hold dear. She offers me strength, nourishment and shelter from my enemies. Whether they be foreign or from within. She is my water, she cleanses my soul and the sins that I constantly repent, and she rejuvenates me and quenches me when I am weak. And finally she is my fire, both creative and destructive at the same time. She gives me the conviction to fight for what I believe in, she gives me the fuel to keep going. Without her I would not have the passion, to protect the things that are most important to me. Her being at the top of the list. Not that I had shown it recently, but she is the reason I get up in the morning.

Love and Strife act as forces to mix and separate the elements according to Empedocles. Boy did he get that right! Sometimes these Greek philosophers hit the nail right on the head!

The thought of going on without her was unthinkable. Without her I might as well not exist. The things she said hurt, I did trust her, even if I hadn't done much to prove it recently. I hadn't realised that I had pushed her away again and again. She must have felt so alone and abandoned by me, yet she did her best to hide it.

The sound of the phone ringing cut through my thoughts. "Mulder," I sighed dejected into the telephone.

"Agent Mulder, It's Agent Lewis from Violent Crimes,"

"What can I do for you Lewis?" I asked. I really didn't want to speak to anyone right now. All I wanted to do was crawl inside a bottle of Scotch and hide away from the world. Wallow in self-pity and think about the incredible woman I just let walk out of my life.

"There's been another murder," Lewis answered "I could really do with you on this one,"

"I'm busy Lewis," I lied "I have a mountain of paperwork sitting on my desk,"

"Come on Mulder," Lewis was getting irritated. That was quite clear. " Women are dying here and you can help,"

I knew he was right, I couldn't just walk away from this case. I wouldn't be able to live with the blood on my hands if any more girls died and I had had the chance to stop it.

"Where are you?"

"Blythe Street. 11056, apartment A,"

"I'm on my way," Hanging up the phone, I grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. My feelings for Dana Scully were going to have to wait!

When I reached the crime scene I noticed that Lewis was waiting outside for me and was heading in my direction as I exited the car.

"What we got?" I asked as we walked towards the building. The lobby was buzzing with Officers. I noticed a few talking to the neighbours, taking down statements.

"Stacey Stark, 24," Lewis began as we entered the girls apartment "A friend hasn't seen her in days. She was worried when she didn't answer her phone after numerous calls and let herself in,"

"That her?" I asked noticing the shaken young girl sitting in the corner of the room. She was talking to an officer, who was scribbling into his notebook. Approaching her I could see the indescribable terror written upon her face. It was heartbreaking to witness, the girl looked so small and so childlike.

"Louise Parker,"

I approached her cautiously "Louise?" She looked up at me through tears. "My name is Agent Mulder," I began, sitting down opposite to her "I know that this must be really hard for you but I need to ask you a few questions,"

She nodded glumly.

"When was the last time you saw Stacey?"

"Thursday, last week. We went out to the movies. Then we had dinner at Milo's in town before sharing a cab home,"

"Did you get dropped off home before or after Stacey?" My mind was starting to wonder if the cab driver might know something.

"After," she answered. Sadly that blew my lead out of the water "I live further away from the place than Stace,"

"Do you know anyone who might want to hurt Stacey?"

She shook her head.

"Did she say anything about anyone hanging around or following her?"

"No," she whispered

"What about boyfriends or ex's?" I asked "Was anyone in the picture at the moment?"

"She had just started seeing someone," she answered " She's dated some really scumbags, but Kurt was really nice, a real keeper you know,"

I nodded "Do you know where I could find this Kurt?"

"No," she answered sadly "I haven't actually met him, she just kept going on and on about him,"

"Any idea where they met or where they liked to hang out?"

"No I'm sorry I don't," she shook her head "If I'm honest I was starting to think he might not actually exist. She talked about him all the time but I never once met him. Do you think it might be him Agent Mulder?"

"I don't know at this time," I answered truthfully "Were just trying to get a clear picture at the moment," I rose from my seat " Thank you for your help Louise. We'll get an officer to drive you home,"

I headed back over to Lewis "You get anything?" he asked.

"Not sure yet. The boyfriend maybe a lead but the girl doesn't know how to reach him. Do we have the victims cell phone?"

Lewis shook his head. "I've got the guys tearing the place apart looking for clues, so I reckon we'll come across it,"

"Ok let me know what you find,"

"Where are you going?" Lewis called after me.

"I'm going to find out more about our victim," I answered "Maybe we can find out who this Kurt guy is,"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Opening the door to my darkened apartment I had never been so glad to be home. It had been a hell of a day and my emotions had been through the wringer so many times in the last few hours that I never wanted to feel anything ever again. How was it possible to love and hate somebody at the same time?

Walking away from him this morning had been the hardest thing I had ever done. I ached inside for him, but for my own sanity I had to leave. Seeing him every day knowing how he felt about me, how low his opinion was. How cheap he thought I was would slowly drive me insane. I couldn't deal with that.

No, a clean break was what was needed. Hopefully then we could both move on. And I could stop thinking about stupid Fox Mulder. If I was eight years old again and he was pulling my hair on the school playground then I could just sock him in the stomach and call him a poopyhead. Unfortunately I'm a thirty-four year old woman and it's no longer that simple. Now he's a bastard and all I want to do is kick him in the nuts. It's not all I want to do if I'm honest. I desperately want to kiss him, touch him and caress him. Claim back what was mine before that woman crashed into the middle of our lives like a tornado.

I headed into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on. I had to stop thinking about Mulder. If I wasn't thinking about how much he had hurt me, I was thinking about how much I wanted him, his eyes, his smile and his gorgeous bum. I was torturing myself! I poured myself a cup of tea and sat down on the sofa, bringing my knees up and tucking my feet underneath me. I shivered at the cold running through me and had to pull the blanket off the back of the sofa and cover myself, in an attempt to keep warm.

Usually the silence that filled my apartment was slightly comforting, even peaceful. But tonight it was deafening and I had never felt so miserable or so alone. So this is how it's supposed to be from now on? Me forever alone! I'll turn into one of those crazy cat ladies who are found half eaten by their fury friends after being missing for six months. I shudder at the thought. I wanted a family! I wanted children! Not just that, I wanted Mulder's children, I wanted a little girl and boy running around the garden while I fixed lunch and Mulder taught them how to shoot hoops. Closing my eyes to picture it, I smile sadly, that was never going to happen for me. Tears slowly started to fall.

Stop it Dana!

The phone rings and pulls me from my wallowing like the Prince once pulled Sleeping Beauty from her slumber.

"Hello," I answered trying but failing to recompose myself.

"Hey Dana," the cheerful voice chirped down the phone. God right now I hate cheerful people I thought to myself.

"Hey Ellen," my voice was barley audible.

"Dana, what's wrong?" she asked panicked.

"Nothing," I whispered, it was quite evident that my voice was breaking.

"Right! I'm coming over,"

"No I'm fine honestly," my voice had become breathless from my now noticeable sobs.

"Like hell you are," She retorted sarcastically "I'm on my way,"

"But what about Trent?" I asked trying to put her off.

"I'll drop him off at his Dads," she informed me "About time he did his share. Lets see him get up and do the school run," She laughed "I'll see you in about forty minutes,"

"I kinda just want to be alone," I whispered. I felt guilty because she was being so thoughtful.

"And do what? Sit there and internalise whatever has gotten you so distressed. Not a chance. See you in forty," And with that she hung up the phone leaving me staring at the receiver, wishing I had never picked it up. Don't get me wrong, I love Ellen and she means well but sometimes you do just want hide under the covers and wallow in your own misery. She wouldn't let me do that. Firstly she would make me relay the whole sordid affair to her. Then she would have me analyse it, picking it apart piece by piece. That would be torture. Then she would tell me to get over it and that we were going out dancing. Both of which really didn't appeal to me at all.

As promised Ellen arrived forty minutes later with a bottle of White Zinfandel in hand and a Chinese takeaway. That's my girl! She always knows the right things to do to put a smile on my face. I have to admit I haven't been the greatest of friends to Ellen recently. The X Files has taken up so much of my time that I've lost touch with most of my friends.

"SO!" Ellen began "You going to tell me what's been going on?" It was more of an order than a question.

Sighing, I knew I had to confess. She'd get it out of me eventually so I might as well save myself an hour of her picking the scab and get right down to showing her the wound. And it was a bloody big one at that.

"It's Mulder," I began taking a swig of my wine.

"Well," she grinned, "I figured that! What's he done?"

"I found him in bed with another woman," I replied bitterly "And not only that it's a woman that I despise intently," God I sounded pathetic, it wasn't like he was cheating on me. Even if it felt like he was.

"That Diana you keep banging on about?"

"I don't keep banging on about her," I answered defensively "Do I?" I had to admit I had chewed Ellen's ear off a few times about Diana and how much I loathed her. My feelings that were usually so well hidden to the world were laid out for public viewing when the subject involved Diana.

"Well….." she began indicating that I did "Does he know how you feel about him?"

"He does now," I whispered "I kinda slapped him,"

"HA!" she laughed "Really? NO!" she was full on chuckling now.

"It's not funny El,"

"It is if the poor guy had no clue how you felt and the first indication he has is when he gets one round the face,"

"Poor guy?" I was outraged "He's betrayed me," I knew I sounded sulky now.

"Dana," she said seriously. I was getting the mom tone now. I had seen it used on Trent hundreds of times before when she was struggling to reason with him. "How the hell was he supposed to know that he'd betrayed you, if he didn't know how you felt?"

"He just should," I complained bitterly "We had an unwritten rule," I tell her "He belongs to me and I belong to him. It's unspoken but it's known. That is until now," I was pouting, a very unattractive trait, but right now I wanted to act like a brat.

"So how hard was this slap?" she inquired. I kinda think she was beginning to enjoy this story "Are we talking silly little school girl or the full Dynasty, shoulder pads Joan Collins thing going on?"

"Joan," I grinned "Defiantly Joan,"

"That's my girl," she laughed "Granted I think Mulder's ability to be extremely oblivious to anything is a small saving factor on his half,"

I shot her a look.

"I said small," she carried on laughing "I'm glad that if you were going to use physical violence that you rose to the occasion,"

"Well I learnt from the best," I grinned. I was starting to feel better having Ellen around. It was like old times and I had missed that. If I'm honest I had become so wrapped up in Mulder and our quest for the truth that I had forgotten about all the good things I had in my life like Ellen.

"So then what happened?"

"I ran out and found the nearest bar," I sounded so ashamed and Ellen picked up on it straight away.

She eyed me suspiciously "What did you do?"

I didn't say anything I just looked at her through watery eyes.

"Oh Dana," she sighed; she squeezed my hand tightly for a brief second.

"I'm ok," I chocked.

"Really?" she questioned sarcastically "Cause from over here it don't look like it,"

I ferociously wiped my eyes trying to regain my composure. I was failing miserably.

"Did the one night stand help at all?"

"No," I shook my head "I felt awful when I woke up. The guy was really sweet. I told him about Mulder and he understood that I had done it out of grief but then…" I trailed off.

"What?"

"I cried in his arms like a baby," I answered ashamed "I've never felt so embarrassed,"

"Oooh not good,"

"Nope," I agreed, "Then as he was leaving he kissed me passionately,"

Ellen looked at me surprised "After you balled like a bitch?" She had such a way with words.

"When he let me go Mulder was standing there,"

Ellen's eyes widened with both shock and amusement "And…"

"And he walked past Mulder and asked if he was the dickhead in question,"

Ellen laughed loudly. I could see the glee on her face "Bet that was awkward…How'd Mulder respond?"

"He came bounding towards the door, quick as a flash. I couldn't get it closed in time. He told me I disgusted him and that I was acting like a slut. That no one would want me," My eyes had been on the floor as I relayed this part of the story but as I looked up I noticed the change it Ellen's face. It had started as shock, had then changed too mildly pissed off and was now somewhere in the middle of pure outrage.

"That arsehole!" she began, I could see she was fuming "Who the hell does he think he is?" She was defiantly no longer defending Mulder that was for sure. "Give me your phone," she commanded.

"Why?" I asked

"It's about time me and Mulder became acquainted. The little shit won't know what's hit him,"

"No Ellen," I said firmly "It will only make things worse,"

"I'll make his face look worse,"

I rolled my eyes; she was a good friend, very protective.

"Dana your better off without him,"

I nodded trying to convince both her and myself of it.

"Right!" she said jumping off the sofa "Go find something nice to wear, were going out,"

"Awww," I moaned being pulled up by my hands "I don't want to go out,"

"Tough! Go find some slinky and sexy," she grinned.

"I can't get dressed up and go out while your in Jeans and Ugg boots,"

"Well, go find me some slinky and sexy too," she grinned

"But…"

"Don't moan Dana," she began, turning me round and gently pushing me towards the bedroom "Just do it,"

Maybe her coming round wasn't such a good idea.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

I had to admit that I was officially getting old! Gone are the days that I wanted to go out night after night. The idea of getting off my face was extremely appealing right now, but going back to a time where I was doing that and picking up women. The very notion of it was unthinkable!

I didn't want anyone other than Scully! I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with anyone other than her. But even if I took Scully out of the equation, the idea of picking up another women in this dingy low rent bar was an awful thought. This place didn't attract the right type of lady, if any lady at all. As judgemental as it sounds and I know it does. In a place like this I could catch anything and that's just from the seats!

There was only one word to describe this place and that was sticky. The floor was sticky, the walls were sticky, the seats were sticky and worst of all the women were sticky. Our at least they looked it!

Crude Yes! A lie No!

A couple of girls had approached me, both seemed keen and I'd have liked to say I was flattered but I really wasn't. Don't get me wrong they were both beautiful women, tall, leggy, and naturally curvy. One blonde, one brunette, but all I really wanted was a redhead. And not just any redhead, my redhead.

God I needed to get a grip! I can't have her, so give it up.

"You Mulder?"

Looking up I noticed a young man standing in front of me. I nodded and he looked around nervously. "Not here," he told me and I began to follow him through the bar.

We found a quiet spot, if you can call any part of this club quiet. Sitting down in the booth I noticed for the first time that he wasn't just nervous he was extremely jumpy, like he was waiting to be found.

"I can't stay long," he told me keeping one eye on the club.

"You said you might have some information for me,"

"Yeah," he answered quickly "I read about those murders in the paper,"

I nodded urging him on.

"There were pictures and I recognised some of the girls," he told me shifting his eyes from me to the club and back to me again.

"You knew some of the girls?" I asked surprised.

"No," he answered quickly " I said I recognised some of the girls. They've been in here before,"

"You sure?"

He nodded "A couple of them were regulars. That girl who was found last week, blonde little thing. She was here every Saturday night, without fail,"

"Was she normally with someone?"

He snorted, "I'll say!" He noticed my look of confusion and interest and elaborated further "That girl had a lot of friends," he smiled "If you know what I mean,"

I followed his train of thought "You mean she had a lot of male friends?" I was trying to be polite but I knew what he was implying.

"I got the impression she slept around," he responded "A couple of those girls seemed too have a lot of male friends,"

"You think that whoever has been committing these crimes might be meeting these girls here,"

He nodded.

"Have you seen any of these women with the same guys?"

"A couple," he shrugged "We get a lot of customers in here, but yeah there have been a couple of guys that stand out in my memory,"

"Any names?" I ask, this could be the breakthrough we need to find this perp.

"Sorry no," he shook his head in empathies.

"Would you recognise any of these guys if they came in again?"

"I think so," he answered sure of himself "Look I have to get back to work," he stood abruptly "I'll call you if any of them come in,"

And with that he left me sitting there alone.

I noticed the bar had begun to get busier since we began our conversation. I sat watching the early evening drunks pile in from the streets, having previously visited other drinking establishments in an attempt to pre-load on alcohol before ending their night here.

I observed a couple sitting at a table in the opposite corner. A hint of jealously hit me as I watched them. Their total lack of acknowledgement of the outside world was both refreshing as well as envious. I watched as time stood still for the two of them. Caught up in each other, a meteor could have hit the bar and yet they would still be none the wiser. It was clear that they knew each other intimately, in every way possible. The way they touched, the way they kissed and caressed so easily in public gave them a sense of freedom. A sense that nothing else mattered but them.

Noting else mattered but Scully and myself. Not Aliens or Government Conspiracies, not even Samantha. Just Dana! I wanted so desperately to be free like the couple in front of me. To be able to touch her so intimately and not be afraid of the consequences. To not worry that she would reject me, slap me away. I mean she hated me right?

Would she always hate me?

I fear so!

Standing I decided I needed to get the hell out of here. The bar had become packed and both the heat and the close proximity of the bodies filling the small room had become too much for me to bear.

I had to get out.

I quickly moved my way towards the exit, a strong wave of nausea hitting me hard. I felt so dizzy that I gripped onto the table next to me. I could here my heart pounding in my ears.

Boom!

Boom!

Boom!

Dana!

Dana!

Dana!

Great! Now everything around me was a reminder of her. Even my bloody heartbeat. I had started to awaken from my own self-pitying thoughts, yet there it still was.

Dana!

Her name, ringing in my ears again, I defiantly need help. The voices were getting louder and louder, it had almost become chanting. Actually it was chanting!

Regaining my composure I followed the chants over to the small crowd that had formed over in the corner. Fighting my way to the front I was greeted with a sight I thought I'd never see. Even after all these years of pushing the boundaries of what was real and what wasn't nothing had ever prepared me for the sight before me. Paranormal activity had nothing on this. This was an X file all of it's own. Looking up at the wondrous sight before me, was a goddess, my goddess and she was table dancing.

That whole time standing still thing I mentioned earlier. Yep that really exists.

Who knew!

Is this how Marc Anthony felt when he was captured by Cleopatra's beauty? She commanded the room before her. She commanded me! There wasn't a man in the room who didn't want her and she knew it. She had a confidence I had never seen before and it added to her ever-growing beauty. Up there without a care in the world she looked truly alive. She moved with a grace that was becoming of her. The way she turned her body and twisted her hips was so arousing that I was struggling to concentrate. I watched as she jumped up and down to the sound of the beat, her eyes were closed but I could see she was smiling. I hadn't seen her smile in so long. It was both beautiful and painful at the same time.

Beautiful because she seemed so happy and at peace, not a care in the world.

Painful because in all the time we had been together I had never seen her smile like that. She had never been that happy or at peace when she was with me. It was only once she had escaped from my darkness that she had been able to truly smile.

It was in that moment I realised that I really was no good for her. I just held her back. Pulled her into the darkness when really she should have been bathed in the light she deserved.

I quickly turned on my heels and ran. Ran as quickly as I could into the night. Ran as far away from Scully as possible. Hopefully taking the darkness with me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

When El suggested going out… Actually no scrap that, bullied me into going out I was a little apprehensive. I hate social situations. I never used to, but after spending many years as a recluse, held up in some dingy hotel room in the back end of nowhere chasing after monsters in the dark it had become second nature.

My apprehension slowly began to disappear with the more vodka I consumed throughout the night. I used to be the life and sole of the party. 'Dirty Danes' they called me. I didn't always have this Ice Queen reputation, back in the day I used to be able to drink many a man under the table. Occasionally I used to even follow him under for a bit of fun. I could dance like a stripper, drink like the Navy brat I was. And pick up any man I chose to go home with. Being here, the music playing loudly, the sound of people chatting and the alcohol flowing I finally felt like me again.

I felt like the fun Dana, the up for anything Dana, the old Dana. And you know what I've really missed her. Up on this table surrounded by countless men cheering me on, ogling me I actually feel sexy for the first time in forever. Men never seemed to find me sexy anymore. Or at least it feels like it. At work half the guys stay away from me because they think I'm frosty and the other half stay away because they think I'm Mulder's.

I've lost a lot of opportunities because of Mulder. No that's not fair! I'm being harsh I know. I closed off a big part of my life because of the X Files and I finally I feel like I'm getting it back.

Feeling dizzy I stumbled down from the table slipping straight into the arms of someone familiar. At first I didn't recognise him, not until he called me by my name. He flashed me a bemused smile. "Hi," I said meekly

"Finally fallen at my feet," he grinned setting me down.

Feeling the heat rising through my cheeks I smiled coyly at him "Not quite yet,"

His blue eyes sparkled as he lent down and whispered, "I can work on that,"

Taking my hand he led me over to the bar, I could see El eyeing me. She wasn't very subtle. She kept pointing at my companion and mouthing 'cute'. Rolling my eyes I turned my attention back to 'the cutie'.

"So." he began handing me a beer "...you decided to come find me then?"

"Sorry," I flirted "Have me met before?"

"Yeah I think so," he replied "I think you might have spent the night riding me once,"

Wow! I was not expecting that. Sensing my shock and embarrassment he put his hand on my shoulder in comfort "Sorry," he apologised "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable Dana. I was only teasing"

I nodded smiling back up at him "That's ok,"

"How about we go get a table," he flashed me that smile again. I don't know why but I was drawn to him, like I had been a couple of nights ago. I smiled at the memory of that night. Not the soul crushing sight that I had witnessed earlier in Mulder's apartment.

No I'm smiling at the memory of this charming man and how for just a couple of hours he had made me forget. I remember him taking a seat beside me at the bar. He began chatting me up while I was on my fourth screwdriver. If I'm honest at first I just wanted him to leave me the hell alone. Right there and then I hated all men, they were all arseholes. And they were all after one thing.

But the longer we talked and the more vodka I drank the quicker I realised that not all men were arseholes. He genuinely seemed to want to get to know me. Along with charming he was funny, he had been the only man in a very long time that had made me laugh.

He was smart too; we spent hours talking about everything and anything. He was into Greek mythology, which is something I love learning about in college.

"Dana," his voice woke me from my thoughts.

"Yeah,"

"I asked if you were here alone?"

"No," I motioned over to the dance floor "I'm with the girl in the blue dress pretending that she isn't spying on us,"

"Ah," he smirked "How about we give her something to look at," Leaning over he placed a gentle kiss on my lips. It was the softest of kisses, nothing like the ones from the other night. Defiantly nothing like the one Mulder witnessed outside my apartment. My heart hurt momentarily, thinking about Mulder and the fact that he was happy elsewhere. If he got to be happy then why shouldn't I be?

"How about we go dance," He suggested breaking away from.

Nodding enthusiastically I took his hand and followed him onto the floor. Taking me in his arms he held me close. It was the gentlest of contact but it was the most intimate I had experienced in years. I know that sounds silly, especially after our night of passion, but this was a different type of intimacy. One, which I had missed even more than the other. And boy had I missed the other!

I missed having a boyfriend; I missed having someone to talk about my day with. I missed the simple things that came with a relationship.

'What shall we have for dinner darling?'

'What do you want to watch on TV tonight?'

Silly I know! But I've been lonely for so long.

He pulled me closer and it felt so good to be in his strong arms. The independent feminist in me wanted to chastise myself. 'You don't need a man!'

Maybe I don't but I defiantly wanted one.

The sound of ringing cut through my thoughts and I realised that it was his phone. Pulling away from me abruptly he answered his phone. "Yeah," he sounded annoyed. Maybe because of the interruption. I watched his face change from pissed off, to shock, to what looked like fear.

"Ok," he replied to whoever was talking on the phone "I'm on my way,"

He ended the call as abruptly as he answered it "I have to go,"

So I stood there dumbstruck, he just walked away, no sorry, no explanation. Just gone!

I felt rejected all over again. "Where'd he go?" El asked having noticed me standing there alone.

"He got a phone call and just headed out," I answered in disbelief "Just said I've got to go,"

"Didn't say why?"

I shook my head sadly "I must repel men," I was feeling sorry for myself again "First Mulder, now him. They can't get away quick enough,"

"Don't go getting all self pitting on me Dana," El scolded, "You know better than that. You are beautiful, and if he can't see that then move on to the next loser,"

Smiling I rolled my eyes. "So," she began "Shots?"

"NOOOO," I moaned. My low tolerance for alcohol mixed with El's love of tequila shots was always a bad combination. Tonight was about to get messy!


	10. Chapter 10

A.N: So this chapters a bit of a short one. I've been working on a few of the later chapters but after a review where the reader was concerned that I wasn't updating I thought it wouldn't hurt uploading this one, even if it was a shortie.

 **Chapter Ten**

I had become accustom to sitting silently in the dark. It was something I had been doing for quite sometime. Tonight was no different, yet completely different at the same time. As I sat here in the mist of self-pity I didn't have the energy to carry on.

Not without her!

I should have grabbed hold of her and kissed her with all the passion I possessed. I should have fought harder for her. Given her the life she deserves. One in which she's happy, one where I see her smile and laugh like I did tonight at that club.

So while she out there having the time of her life I'm sitting here in the dark knocking back single malt. The warm liquid burnt at my throat and I winched slightly at it's taste. Normally I'd partake a nice cold beer, but tonight I need the stronger stuff and the spirits only came out on special occasions when I really need to get blotted. Drunk wouldn't cut it right now; I didn't want to think about anything, I didn't want to feel anything. It hurt way too much. Seeing her so happy without me hurt too much.

I thought back to all the times I had made her happy. I could probably count them on one hand. How pathetic was that! Picking up my phone I plucked up the courage to dial her number. Going straight to answer phone I decided that the best idea was to leave her a message. Dialling while drunk was never going to be a pretty combination and I'm sure that I'll regret this in the morning.

"Hey Scully," I began cheerfully "It's me…" This was not going to end well "Look I know you don't want to speak to me and I understand why but I just wanted to tell you that I saw you tonight at the club. I was there talking to someone who knew one of the girls who was murdered. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful tonight. That any man would be lucky to have you, that I was lucky to have you. I was just too stupid to realise it,"

I could feel the tears chocking me and I let out a small sob "Dana I love you. I always have and I always will. I'm sorry for everything, for shutting you out, for not believing you when I should have," I swallowed hard, "For what you saw at my apartment with Diana…" I trailed off.

I knew that I had to keep baring my soul because once I was sober; there was no chance of me ever being this open again. "I don't think I can go on without you Scully, please call me back when you can. I need to hear your voice,"

I hung up the phone. So there it was, I had told her everything, I had opened my heart wide, told her how I felt and now I just had to wait to see if she responded.

The phone rang and I jumped slightly startled at the idea that she had called me back so quickly. "Mulder," I answered quickly, a glimmer of hope in my voice.

"Mulder…Lewis here," I groaned inwardly. I just desperately wanted to be left alone "I need you to get your ass down to Park force Industrial estate now,"

The urgency in his voice made my head snap up "What's happened?" I asked trying to slip my jacket on while still having my ear attached to the phone.

"Looks like another victim has turned up…" I felt him visibly pause "But… this one didn't make it home,"

"I'll be there in ten…"

A hundred and one things were running through my mind all at once and I have to admit it excited me. It sounded sick putting it like that, what I actually mean is this was a broken peace of the puzzle. Something different, something that was unpredictable. It was out of the routine, out of the norm. Why was she there instead of her bed? Had the killer gotten sloppy? Was this going to help the investigation?

I had so many questions running around inside my head, each one more inquisitive than the previous.

The journey from my apartment to the crime scene wasn't a long one, less than ten minutes in the car. The city scene was relatively quiet, there were very few cars on the road, but at just after three in the morning it was to be expected. Parking up at the side of the road I noticed the scene was in full swing as I approached.

"Mulder!" Lewis acknowledged me quickly "We haven't been able to identify this girl yet. It's tricky as she hasn't any I.D on her,"

"Night shirts don't usually come with pockets," I observed noticing her casual attire "Makes me think she was, again at home when she was taken,"

"I've got O'Hara checking on any females who have been reported missing,"

I lent down next to the girl, sighing sadly. It didn't matter how many dead bodies you saw they never get any easier. My first had been a young girl like this, the circumstances different of course but they had been relatively the same age. Both small in stature, both with flaming red hair. For a split second I thought I was imagining things. While being alone with my thoughts I looked directly at the girl for the first time.

She was Dana!

I know how many kinds of stupid that sounds, but for a second she was her. The younger version of her. The one from the pictures her mother showed me on many occasions when she wanted to embarrass her. The nineteen-year-old Dana. I stood abruptly and turned away shutting my eyes tightly in the hope to block out the image. But it was still there! Burnt behind my eyeballs!

"Mulder you ok?" Lewis put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine," I forced myself to look at her again. Something quickly caught my eye. Kneeling beside her to inspect closer, I noticed she was holding something in one of her hands. "Lewis you got a glove?"

"Yeah sure," he answered.

Taking it from him I used it to remove the item from the girl. Holding my hand up we both realised that this could indeed be the break we needed. The Perp had slipped up; he had let her get away with taking some of his DNA.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

When I awoke this morning I had not planned for my day to pan out the way it had.

I had the worst hangover in history, if I had felt crap the other day after my night of naughty, then this morning I think I might have needed quarantining. Ellen was a bad influence on me. After my mystery man abruptly left the bar last night, we stepped up the party and before I knew it I was lying on top of the bar with some random guy doing shots off my body. I have to admit I'm not twenty-one anymore and as much as I tried I really couldn't keep up. So by half two I poured Ellen and myself into a cab.

Stumbling out of bed I padded down the hall to where Ellen was sprawled out on my sofa, looking worse than I felt. "Morning," she mumbled.

"Eh," was all she got from me. I really wasn't in a place where I could form a coherent sentence right now. I just needed coffee and aspirin. I couldn't function before I'd had either.

"Danes," Ellen began, reaching over and hitting the button on my answer phone "You've a message on your machine babes,"

"Hey Scully, It's me…"

My head shot up and I felt my heart skip as I held in a breath. Even now after everything that had happened, hearing his voice could still get to me.

"…I just wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful tonight,"

Ellen's head snapped up "He was at the club tonight?"

I paled "Appears so," I grabbed the table in front of me as support "Oh god El," my hand went instinctively to my mouth. The realisation hit me "He saw me…. He must have seen me…"

"Table dancing," Ellen grinned finishing my sentence "Kissing that hot guy,"

His voice on my machine again caught my attention and I'm sure I could here his voice breaking "Dana I love you. I always have and I always will. I'm sorry for everything, for shutting you out, for not believing you when I should have,"

"Great!" I thought aloud "Now I've walked out of his life he decides to believe me,"

I let the rest of the message run it's course before I looked up at Ellen hopelessly.

"What do I do?' I asked. I feel at a total loss, his admission had floored me. All I've wanted for so long was his love and his trust. And I thought I had had it. Then SHE turned up and in one breath it was all gone. He looked at me differently. He thought that I hadn't noticed, but I had. His eyes had always looked so sure before. When I told him something his belief in me held conviction, but I hadn't felt that in a long time. Now he makes me feel like his eyes hold suspicion and everytime I approach the subject of Diana that suspicion turns to contempt.

"What do you want to do?" Ellen answered my question with her own.

I contemplated for a moment before trying to form the rights words "He's no good for me El," I rationalised "All he ever does is hurt me,"

"That's not what I asked you Dana,"

Trust her to stop me from evading the question "My head says that this separation is for the best,"

"But your heart?" she probed further.

I sighed with exasperation "My heart tells me to get the hell over there," Ellen's smile raises a smirk from me "To jump into his arms, wrap my legs round his waist and kiss him with all the passion I possess,"

El's smile turns into a full on grin and she quickly pulls me to my feet "Right Missy…. Get that little bum in the shower. Phase one of Operation Fuck Mulder is in action,"

"Ellen!" I gasped, "I don't want to fuck him," Well I did, but she didn't have to be crude about it.

"Alright sappy," she rolled her eyes in understanding "Let's get Operation 'Make Love' to Mulder, underway,"

As I showered I thought back to my first meeting with Mulder. I was so struck by his beauty that I struggled to keep the embarrassed smile from my face. His striking looks had hit me like lightening the moment I had laid eyes on him. I remember his beautiful green eyes looking up at me from behind those glasses that made him look so damn cute. I remember turning up at his door in that crummy motel in Oregon in my dressing gown. Every part of me was blushing when I removed my robe to reveal my underwear. I wanted so desperately for him to look at my body with approval, with desire. When he inspected the bites on my back I willed him, even needed him to touch my curves. We sat and talked for hours in that little room, just the two of us. I think it was then I knew that on some level, this would be more than just a simple work partnership. I just hadn't figured out in what sense back then. Then again I wasn't hundred percent sure what we are even now, other than not speaking that is.

"Dana," Ellen's voice pulled me from my fantasy "Hurry up. You do want to see him this side of Christmas right?"

Turning the water off I stepped out of the shower. "I'm just getting out now,"

"I've put your clothes on your bed,"

Picking up the underwear she had left out I looked at them sceptically. These had to have been hiding at the back of my underwear draw for an eternity. They were a matching midnight blue silk bra and panties set. Extremely small with a lace trim. Something you would expect to find in a Victoria Secret's catalogue. Ellen had forced me to buy them years ago, but they had stayed unworn with the tags still attached. Turning to find her standing at my bedroom door I gave her bemused look "Am I correct in believing that this is all you expect me to wear when I go over to Mulder's?"

"Believe me, I had to go rooting around to find them," she sighed "Dana you shouldn't wear such old lady underwear,"

I gave her a look that said answer the question.

"Of course not," she feigned insult "You can wear these as well,"

I burst out laughing as she displayed the rest of the expected outfit upon her fingers, hands turned up dramatically as if she were modelling handbags.

"No way," I protested heading towards my wardrobe in search of something more practical to wear.

"Oh come on," she whined "I remember a time when Dana Scully turned up at a college lecturers house in nothing but her underwear and 'fuck me' heels,"

I blushed at the memory. "That was a thousand years ago and I had the body of a nineteen year…and I was impulsive…and I was confident…and I was kind of pretty,"

"Oh Dana," she sighed gently "You are still all those things,"

I gave her a pointed look "Ok," she laughed "Maybe the body of a twenty eight year old instead. But still smokin' hot,"

I grinned "Ok, I'll wear the lingerie, but under some clothing. Just in case,"

"Deal,"

El insisted in making me over. I'm sure as an only child she must have been dying for a sister to play dress up with. Because judging at the hair curling and the amount of eye shadow she was applying, she really felt like she had missed out on that. "By any chance did you ever wish that Trent had been a girl," I enquired "Because you seem to like this whole girly make up stuff," A tinge of pain flashed through me when I think of Emily and how I'll never get to show her how to put make up on or curl her hair.

"Believe me," she laughed pulling me back to reality "I wouldn't let any daughter of mine look the way you're leaving this apartment,"

I rolled my eyes "And now am I leaving this apartment?"

"Good enough to eat," she grinned. Pausing with the blusher brush in hand, she asked "Did you not do any of this stuff with Missy?"

"What the make up stuff?" she nodded having gone back to applying more make up "No, I was the tomboy," I smiled at the memory "I always preferred being up a tree or swimming in the lake. I do remember an occasion when I was about thirteen though. Missy and her friends held me prisoner and gave me a makeover,"

"Held you prisoner?" She asked amused

"Yeah," I laughed, "They made me sit at the dressing table and one played with my hair, while Missy did my makeup and another of her friends painted my nails a hideous pink colour. One of the most traumatic experiences of my life,"

"Well now I'm doing it," she laughed "And I hope it's not too traumatic,"

"I think I'll survive,"

"So…" she began putting down her brush "Makeup…check! Hair...check! Outfit…check! Fuck me heels…check!" Ellen ran through her list "I think your good to go,"

Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm my nerves as I heard the doorbell go. Grabbing my purse I headed out with Ellen in tow and was more than surprised when Mr Vanishing Act from last night was standing in my hallway.

"Dana," he grinned holding a small bunch of flowers

"What are you doing here?" I asked taking the flowers from him. I hadn't meant to sound so rude but I was in a bit of a hurry.

"I wanted to apologise for last night,"

"It's fine," I was trying to shoo him back out the door in the most subtle way possible.

"No it's not," he began "I had a family emergency. I was hoping I could make it up to you by buying you lunch,"

I look back at Ellen pleadingly "That's very sweet, but I already have plans,"

"Oh," I'm sure I could hear annoyance in his voice. "Another time perhaps?"

"Yeah," I said, my voice clearly showing that there wasn't as much enthusiasm as the night before. Guilt flashed through me briefly, but then I remembered he was the one who went running out of me "Look I'm really sorry but we have to go," My subtlety was gone as I stepped forward with my keys in hand making it impossible for him not to back up out of my home.

The whole ride to Mulder's I could feel my heart pounding. Is this the right thing to do? Ellen spent the best part of the morning convincing me that I had nothing to lose. Maybe just my dignity! I chuckled to myself. Do I actually have much of that left? I've always hoped that something would happen between Mulder and myself, but never actually thought it could really become a reality.

The butterflies were doing summersaults in my stomach as I pulled up and got out in front of his building. No going back now! I climbed the steps to his apartment with confidence. I was going to do this, I wasn't afraid anymore. Reaching his door I stopped abruptly. The last time I was here he had broken my heart. Ripped it out of my chest still beating and held it out for us both to see. Was he going to rip it out again? Was all of this heartache worth it? I took a deep breath and knocked.

The door slowly opened and I briefly felt sick. Even if I made a fool of myself, at least I looked good in these high wasted jeans, figure hugging low cut top and my fuck me heels. Yep definitely look good.

The door was wide open now and he looked up at me in surprise.

Now or never Dana!

My arms went to his neck and my legs were round his waist before you could say rational thinking. I took him by surprise, I'm sure of that. He stumbled back slightly, grabbing hold of the door. I'd pounced like a cat, I caught his lips with mine and in that kiss I showed him everything I felt. I needed him to feel my love for him, my need for him. How much I ached for him. This was the bravest I'd ever been and I prayed that he wasn't about to dash my hopes.

He responded as quickly as I pounced and my heart soared. It was the sweetest of kisses, resulting in a jolt of electricity hitting me straight in my belly button. He pushed my back against the closed door and I rubbed my ache up against him. He moaned into my mouth and pushed himself closer to me.

"Take me bed," I whispered seductively moving my lips to his ear. God knows when I got so brave, but I was running with it.

In for a penny, in for a pound as they say.

He pulled back to look directly at me and I could see him searching my eyes "Are you sure?"

Smiling I nodded. And that was all it took, he carried me into the bedroom. We stumbled in like two teenagers having their first sexual encounter, bumping into doors, falling onto his bed. I loved the feel of his weight on top of me; he could stay there forever if I had my way. His kisses were chase, trailing from my lips to my ears and down my neck. I moaned and naturally arched my lower half to meet his. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. He whispered over and over again how much he loved me and as I reached sweet oblivion, shattering, screaming his name, reaching that place that I wouldn't trade for all the wealth in the world, finally I felt complete.

Drifting slowly off to sleep, naked in his arms, for the first time I felt like I truly belonged.

That I loved somebody so much that I didn't exist anymore.


End file.
